Posts I like

More liked posts

1 Day, 5 Jokes: Thursday, December 5, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy getting knocked down by Sunny the dog to keep up with today’s news?  Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

The GOP is tutoring men on how to be more sensitive when running against women candidates and talking to women constituents.  On the first day of class each student received a binder full of women.  

Amanda Bynes has left rehab and now lives with her parents and plans to go back to school.  Responded Miley Cyrus: “Sellout.”

The NSA gathers 5 billion cellphone records a day. This would be the most fucked up AND yet the dullest episode of “Hoarders” ever. "Do you really need Ahmed’s GetGlue password? Have you used it all this year? Can it go in the Delete pile?"

Today House Speaker John Boehner said the GOP should not withhold financial support for the party’s openly gay candidates.  Other basic decency “don’ts” from Boehner:  Don’t punch puppies and lick other people’s food. 

Today fast food workers are walking out on the job to protest low wages. It’s the first time fast food and walking have something in common.

1 Day, 5 Jokes: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy offering money to a violent gang for your crack video to keep up with today’s news?  Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

Today Marin Bashir resigned from MSNBC for suggesting on the air that someone should shit in Sarah Palin’s mouth.  The outrage is perhaps overblown. Shitting in Sarah Palin’s mouth is like pouring a thimble of water in to the Pacific.  

Microsoft is developing a “smart bra” that monitors a woman’s heart to track her moods and curb overeating. Nothing puts a woman in a better mood than having her boobs keep tabs on her ass.  

Greenpeace released a video of a despondent Santa Claus warning children that Christmas may be canceled because of the melting ice in the North Pole.  This spring Planned Parenthood will follow suit with a safe sex video campaign featuring a very horny Easter Bunny.  

Rush Limbaugh attacked the Pope for his concerns about capitalism.  In related news, a dog fought a Roomba.

Please take a moment to really look in to the eyes of that Santa holding your child before you send that photo as a warm holiday greeting.

1 Day, 5 Jokes: Friday, November 15, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy saving Gotham City to keep up with today’s news?  Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

Today the House passed a bill to allow people to keep their substandard health insurance which is like solving homelessness by passing out new tents. 

Today Toronto’s city council voted to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his ability to to appoint and dismiss committee chairs.  His recent appointee, The Chair of the Hair Pie Eating Committee will no longer be recognized. 

China announced it will ease its one child law and end labor camps so chin up, your backordered gold iPhone 5S is on its way!

A teacher was fired this week for punching a seventh-grade student after the student made a joke about his favorite football team.  The Jacksonville Jaguars are super excited to still have a fan that cares.

And finally…

Please run for Congress.

1 Day, 5 Jokes: Thursday, November 14, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Are you too busy faking your own death to keep up with the news? Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

image

During a radio interview today Mariah Carey said being a judge on American Idol was like “going to work every day in hell with Satan.”  Others who worked on American Idol while Mariah Carey was there also agree that it was like going to work every day in hell with Satan.

image

Today actress Genevieve Sabourin was sentenced to 210 days in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin.  Sabourin claims that Baldwin said “he wanted to make her an omelet every day for the rest of her life.”  Right now a New York Post editor is pitching “Omelet Is The New Black” for tomorrow’s front page headline.  

image

This past week there have been a series of Walmart worker demonstrations across the country.  Walmart fears that if it pays its employees more it will lose its customer base: Walmart employees. 

image

image

Today President Obama announced that people will be able to keep their health insurance policies that don’t meet Obamacare standards. In related news:a mom bought her kid a toy so she would shut the fuck up.
image

image

Breaking: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford IS Andy Kaufman.

And finally, today’s affirmation:

image

image

Today’s Affirmation: Both Tone Loc AND Henry Rollins appear in the film Heat so ANYTHING can happen.  

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Thursday, October 31, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy giving candy corn another chance to keep up with news?  Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

Today is the only day we care about seeing pictures of your kid on Facebook. 

The FAA will now allow airline passengers to use electronic devices throughout an entire flight which is like parents now letting their 30-year- old daughter’s boyfriend sleep in the same room with her during Thanksgiving. 

CNN reported today that rural areas have fewer Obamacare health insurance options.  If there’s any place that could use insurance the most, it’s where the combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut is considered “downtown.”

image

Snowden gets an unnamed website job. Obama stares at the broken health care website, clenches his fists and through gritted teeth mutters “Snowden!”

Boston saw two milestones last night: The Red Sox won their third World Series title in nine years and the city’s 500th Kevin Papi Murphy was conceived.  

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Tues, October 30, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy eating all the Halloween candy you bought for tomorrow’s trick or treaters to keep up with the news?  Fear not, here was today in five jokes:

image

This week the Obama Administration had to apologize for making your $10,000 deductible health insurance plan that only covers you in case you get punctured by an entire tree trunk during a full moon on Christmas illegal.  Sorry you have to get grown up insurance now. 

image

Senator Dianne Feinstein, the chair of the Senate Intelligence committee said she is “totally opposed” to the US spying on allies and demands a total review of all surveillance programs.  

This surprised many since Senator Feinstein has always been loyal to the NSA.  Well, it surprised everyone but the NSA who listened in on her complaining about the agency during sex with her husband.  In related news, it’s been leaked that Senator Fienstein’s safe word is “Talbots.”

image

image

Today Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of health and human services testified before a House committee.  During her three and a half hour testimony she tried to defend the Obamacare rollout and its website.

Basically the only way it could’ve been worse for Sebelius today is if she showed up dressed as Julianne Hough dressed as Crazy Eyes.

image

Today during her testimony before a House committee, a fed up Secretary Sebelius answered “whatever” under her breath to Rep. Harper’s repeated questions.  Then Harper rolled his eyes, then Sebelius made the “L sign” on her forehead then Harper called Sebelius a slut on her Facebook wall then Sebelius ordered 50 pizzas to be delivered to Harper’s house and then…no one can still get on that website. 

image

image

image

Today a bunch of people watched a priest hang out with a little boy and no one winced. Good job on the makeover, Pope Francis!

1 Day, 3 Jokes Daily Recap: Fri, October 25, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Slow news day or a slow brain…..

image

European leaders have united in anger over the US’s alleged spying. Basically if international politics was high school, the US’s burn book was discovered this week and the cool kids that gave us a chance are pissed.

image

A Colombian mother was arrested for selling the virginity of her twelve daughters when they reached the age of 12. Here she is posing for paparazzi at her cover party for the magazine, Beast Mom.

image

A man was fired from his job at Walmart for violating store policy after he interrupted an assault of a woman in the store parking lot.  Apparently as long as you’re being physically attacked on Walmart’s property it’s not considered “assault” but rather “Black Friday preparedness.” 

image

And in “Me” News:

For the first time in years a wackjob asked me online to mail him a signed photo. I’m back, baby!

Today’s Affirmation:  Trying is hard.  That’s all. 

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Wednesday, October 23, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy getting fancy baptized to keep up with today’s news? Fear not, here was today:

image

image

A White House national security staffer was fired today for writing inappropriate tweets under the anonymous handle @natsecwonk. It took 22 months for the Obama Administration to figure out the identity of the tweeter so I’m sure the health insurance website will get fixed real fast just in time for your cancer to start becoming a “problem.”

image

A 33-year-old man spent over $100,000 over the course of five years on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber.  He will now spend his “Jesus Year” hearing “Jesus! You did what?”

image

Apple announced the new iPad Air yesterday.  It’s 25% thinner than the previous iPad so you can look 25% less an asshole when taking photos with it.

image

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian became engaged on Monday.  Kanye rented out AT&T Park  where the San Francisco Giants to propose to Kim. He wanted to propose in a place that was just as empty as the sentiment.

Today’s “Who Wore It Best?” Showdown!

image

vs.

image

 

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Monday, October 21, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy doing anything else to keep up with a slow news days? Fear not, here’s a recap of what sort of happened today:

image

Today President Obama helped a pregnant woman about to pass out during his speech about Obamacare. So far the only thing that has worked about Obamacare is Obama’s actual care.

image

image

A Cincinnati cemetery has removed a large Spongebob Squarepants gravestone because it was deemed inappropriate for their traditional grounds.  So you may want to cancel creepy Uncle Jerry’s gravestone of Quagmire copping a feel of a smoking hot angel.

image

Dick Cheney’s doctors were concerned that terrorists might hack his implanted defibrillator and electroshock him into cardiac arrest.  Explained Dr. Jonathan Reiner: ”It seemed to me to be a bad idea for the vice president to have a device that somebody on a rope line might  hack into.” 

 If this attack did happen, it would’ve been the first time ever Dick Cheney’s heart strings were pulled.

image

According to a recent poll 14% of Americans like Congress but 14% of Americans also think “kale” is a Kardashian sister.  

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Friday, October 18, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy catching up on Panda Cam to keep up with the news?  Fear not, here was today:

image

Two murderers were mistakenly released from a Florida prison because forged court documents granting their release duped the Department of Corrections.  A new movie based on this story will soon be released:  Shawshank Inattention.

image

It was announced today that former House Speaker Tom Foley died. Said current Speaker John Boehner: “Lucky!”

image

image

People are criticizing the magazine Elle for fat-shaming by putting Melissa McCarthy on its cover wearing a large coat.  Elle responded to the controversy by releasing a statement about the November issue: “Look, Melissa just happened to have loved this oversized coat the most out of all the other oversized coats our stylists only supplied as options to her. What’s the problem?”

image

Today Facebook is relaxing its privacy rules for teenagers so parents can never relax ever again.  

image

On Monday Senator-elect Cory Booker will conduct the first same-sex marriage in New Jersey. And THAT is what will finally do in Chris Christie’s heart.  

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Thursday, October 17, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy reopening the government and missed the rest of today’s news?  Fear not, here’s today:

Today marks the first day cable news producers scramble to think of a new countdown clock.

 Cory Booker made history by becoming the first handsome senator from New Jersey.

Today on Instagram Kim Kardashian showed us what we have feared: motherhood has not changed her. At all.

Today Obama suggested politicians stop focusing on lobbyists, bloggers and talk radio which for politicians is on par with not eating, sleeping and breathing.

This just in: Cable news networks to replace government shutdown clock with Pandacam.

 

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Wednesday, October 16, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Were you too busy hammering out a deal to reopen the government today? Fear not, here’s a recap:

The Senate reached a deal. McConnell gets Boehner during the week. Reid gets him on the weekends and holidays.

Today was National “No, I’m not signing a card for that fucking asshole. Fuck that guy. And I cannot possibly endure another giant cookie party in that fucking conference room. Fuck you. Fuck this place. I’m going to lunch! Yes, I know it’s 10 AM. And yes, that is wine in my mug.” *hurls Janet’s Anne Geddes calendar across the room.* Day.  Also known as National Boss Day.

Robert Redford told CNN today that women must save the country from men “behaving stupidly” because women only matter when there’s a mess to clean up.

A Japanese company has begun selling a wine specifically made for cats. It’s perfect for people who want to share a drink with the only other guest at their parties.

New York City was murder-free for an entire week which can only mean one thing: Banksy is Batman.

 

1 Day, 5 Jokes Daily Recap: Tuesday, October 15, 2013 by Laura Mannino

Too busy threatening to downgrade the US’s credit rating?  Here’s today in 5 jokes:

The House may be forced to accept the Senate’s plan to reopen the government  In related news, after enduring a 20 minute “I can do it!” tantrum, a mom helped her child stick a straw in to a juice box.

A Nazi war criminal who executed 100s of boys will get a Catholic Church funeral. The Church: “What? He didn’t touch them.”

According to today’s New York Times, physicians want pharmaceutical companies to rename the condition treated by testosterone gels from “Low T” to the more accurate “High BS.”

Former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner pleaded guilty to charges for his behavior against women. His advocacy group, Mayor For Barley Legal Buns has been forced to close.

And finally…

Today marks the 15th day since we forgot about Syria, immigration, mental illness, gun control and twerking.

1 Day, 5 Jokes: October 14, 2013 Recap by Laura Mannino

 

Did the day pass you by?  Fear not, here’s today in five jokes:

image

In fashions news, ten years ago today the “turtleneck under a sweatshirt” look had its last moment in the spotlight.

image

Senate leaders are negotiating a deal to end the shutdown. They all agreed there should be less government. The first to be cut: The House.

image

Today Italian-Americans celebrate their heritage. As an Italian-American, I’m disappointed our culture is associated with megalomaniacal behavior: Columbus, the Mafia, Everybody Loves Raymond.

image

A man lost in the California wilderness survived for 19 days by eating algae. This is also how he survived when he was once lost in Beverly Hills.

image

Over the weekend, The Hills star Lauren Conrad got engaged. Well, maybe. When her boyfriend popped the question she answered by staring at him blankly for a really long time while a Michelle Branch song swelled underneath and then cut to commercial. We think that’s a “yes.”

And something a little extra:

An affirmation to help you get through tomorrow/Homeland spoiler:

image

No matter how bad your day is going at least a pedophile isn’t trying to hook you on heroin in a Venezuelan squatter prison.

Follow Laura @lauramannino!

Loading posts...