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Parenting Advice from Someone Who Didn’t Think She Would Have Kids- ‘Family Costuming’ by Alisha Gaddis

(November 1st, 2011)

I have never liked Halloween.  Something tragic happened to me as a youth (real tragedy, not the funny-ironic kind), and since then- I always dread this day.  Dread.  I will spare the details for my memoir.  But let’s just say, with the first ghost that pops each  season- I shudder. 

But since I have stumbled across this part-time parenting gig- everything has changed.  Everything.  Forget about slutty costumes for repressed lady office workers- Halloween IS for kids!  You should see the joy on my future step-daughter’s face when we talk about October 31st. It is as if the magic of her imagination, for one day and one day only, can actually materialize!  She can be ANYTHING she wants to be (and everybody tells her how cool it is), she can talk about scary things and not really be scared, and most importantly- she can go knocking on stranger’s doors, begging for candy- and receiving it by the bucket load! 

And boy she did!  Take a look at her loot!!

I love participating in her excitement.  I mean what’s not to like?!?!

Another thing that has grown on me…actually dressing up myself.  Costuming with children is a whole different ballgame.  You have singles costumes, couples costumes (that take the creativity up even more), and then there are family/group costumes.  It is a chance to take everything to the next level of imagination! 

We have been family costuming for the past three years.  And the most important thing is that we (my fiance and I) base our costumes around whatever my future step-daughter picks.  She LOVES this!  The first year she picked Cinderella- thus, we were both ugly, evil stepsisters. 

The next year, my future step-daughter picked Belle from Beauty and the Beast (Disney princesses were a BIG deal around here for awhile…).   Unfortunately, fiance and I couldn’t get our acts together (his Beast costume was itchy and my Mrs. Potts just looked like a crazy person in an apron) and we ended up as a Cholo and Chola (it’s ok…he’s Hispanic).

Future step-daughter was so scared of us, that during the awesome Halloween party we were attending, she started to cry and made me wipe my make-up off. 

A+ for convincing.  F- for Family Costuming.

This year, we kicked it into high gear.  Little lady picked an angel.  Thus, we planned accordingly.

As you can see, we are holier than thou. 

Family Costuming was a massive success.  And we redeemed ourselves from last year’s fatal flaw.  Literally.

I am no longer traumatized by Halloween, and am actually looking forward to next year!….what shall we all wear!?!

Happy Halloween!

And bless you.

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Parenting Advice from Someone Who Didn’t Think She Would Have Kids- ‘Popcorn’ by Alisha Gaddis

(October 4th, 2011)

This Recipe is a real Treat.  Literally.

The Best, Most Super Cool Dinner EVER!!!

Growing up, you think you know more than your parents.  As a matter of fact, you KNOW you know more than your parents.  But oh my, oh my, oh my!  Now, I realize that my mother, Karen Lynn Gaddis, is a mega-genius.  GENIUS! 

We would have these special, magical dinners at our house that were only for if we were super, super good: like, my brother and I didn’t hit each other, we didn’t talk in the car and only counted (to ourselves) the number of things that we saw that started with the letter ‘S,’ we did all our chores, AND I didn’t beg to legally change my name (every night I would relentlessly plead to change my name to ‘Jennifer’). 

If we followed these mother-imposed guidelines, we could have super, super fun dinner night!  When we stated acting up, my mom would threaten to take away our magical mealtime reward, and that would instantly straighten us up. It always worked! 

Now it can work for you!

Parental figures: to make this delicious dinner treat do as follows:

1. Pop a bag of microwave popcorn.
2. Give to your children whist saying, ‘Woah- isn’t this a crazy cool dinner!?!?  Wow!!  You guys earned this!!’
3. Put on a movie for them.
4. Turn off the lights and let them eat said ‘dinner’ on the floor.
5. Pour yourself a glass of wine.
6. Pat your self on the back for being a magical genius who doesn’t have any dishes.
7. Repeat as necessary. 

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Parenting Advice from Someone Who Didn’t Think She Would Have Kids “Tips to Get What You Need” by Alisha Gaddis

(September 27th, 2011)

Children and men are a lot alike.  Here, I give you tips and strategies on how to get what you need from each population. 

Good Luck!

Tips and Strategies to Talk  Your Children into Almost Anything 

1. Rationalize- Tell them why you want what it is that you are asking for. Kids sometimes need it laid out for them.
2. Bribe-  A little incentive goes a long way: a small piece of candy, a little trinket, a sleepover.  I know I like treats.
3. Reverse Psychology the Situation- Convince them that they are the ones that want this.  You don’t.  It is something cool and magical, and way out of your league.  Let them think they thought of it (this almost gets them every time)
4. Distract- Children love color and movement.  Distract them with a shiny promise/tv program/ or bag of fun. Then, go in for the kill.

And if all else fails- don’t forget you are the one in charge.  If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!  ‘Blue Steel’ the situation and move on!

Tips and Strategies to Talk your Husband/Boyfriend/Partner into Almost Anything

1. Rationalize- Tell them why you want what it is that you are asking for.  Men sometimes need things laid out for them.
2. Bribe- A little incentive goes a long way: a small treat, a little trinket, a ‘sleepover.’ I know I like treats.
3. Reverse Psychology the Situation- Convince them that they are the ones that want this.  You don’t.  It is something cool and magical, and too much for you to handle.  Let them think they thought of it (this almost gets them every time). 
4. Distract- Men love color and movement.  Distract them with a shiny promise/tv program/ or your fun bags.  Then, go in for the kill.

And if all else fails- don’t forget you are the one in charge.  If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!  ‘Blue Steel’ the situation and move on!

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Parenting Tips From Someone who didn’t think She would have kids: ‘Natural Disaster’ by Alisha Gaddis

(September 6th, 2011)

In a relationship it is important to keep the occasional illusion of sexy.  Yes, I spend most of my weekends in house dresses with no make-up, but on the occasion my partner and I head out for date night- you better believe I am going to shave my legs in the sink and semi-brush my hair.  

I try to keep the mystic of being a lady alive.  Even with child.  Especially with child.  But sometimes I fail.  The other night, we were lounging on the couch together watching Modern Marvels, “The History of Salt” - a show I still pretend to like for the sake of our relationship. 

My hunk of spunk was cuddling into his favorite snuggly sleeping spot-  my hipple area- that spot were your waist meets your leg and create a curve.  The perfect spot for resting.   I was super tired and super bored- but casually letting out ohhs and uh-huhs to feign that I was listening- when I must have nodded off. 

The next thing I know- I felt a serious earthquake.  I was raised in the heartland, where Twisters run rampant, earthquakes, on the other hand, are new to me and scare the living crap out of me.  With the urgency of a man on fire, I jumped up and shouted  “Earthquake!!!!!- Take cover, get in the doorway, get in the bathtub.  Go, motivate, move!!!! EARTHQUAKE!!!!”

To which he said, “Baby, baby- that wasn’t an earthquake- you farted in my face.” 

NO!  I did not!  I am a lady who doesn’t toot, especially in my sleep and especially on his face!  This could not be! 

“Never, I would never.  Get in the doorway! We are experiencing a natural disaster!” I shouted. 

“Yes.  Yes you did.” he said calmly.  “It was so loud, it woke you up!”

No.  No.  No. No No!.  I am a lady!  This could not be.  I was in total disbelief!  But then…. then I felt another one coming. I tried to squeezed my derriere cheeks together and think about a tranquil field of flowers, but come hell or high water- it was coming.   I think he could see it on my face because he said- “Let it out- it is good for you!” 

Who says that?!  What kind of man says, “Let it out!”   I farted in his face! Didn’t he know I was trying to keep the illusion of seduction alive?  If he farted in my face, I would push him off the couch, demand an apology and make him rub my feet!

Like a mirage in the desert, my efforts of vanity melted away.  I was found out for the gassy fraud that I really am. 

Now I let them rip, but I secretly hope each time that they are silent. 

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‘White Jeans Parade’ by Alisha Gaddis

Labor Day Weekend is upon us- time to say goodbye to summer and put those White Jeans in the back of the closet.  Before we do- White Jeans- we salute you! 

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/post/9769109281/white-jeans-parade-by-alisha-gaddis

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Parenting Advice From Someone Who Didn’t Think She Would Have Kids: ‘Run-in with the Easter Bunny’ By Alisha Gaddis

I had a traumatizing run in with the Easter Bunny this year.  I was with my stepdaughter, who is 7, and is at the delicate age where you either write Santa beautiful letters begging for ponies and fairy wings, or you become a whore. So, I have to steer her in the right direction. 

We were walking in the mall,  and don’t judge me for being in the mall- they have a free indoor playground, other children, and an espresso bar.  I get malls now.  We had to walk through the food court and there was the Easter Bunny, eating chow mein with his head off.  His head off!  The Easter Bunny was headless eating chow mein!  I saw children crying, dreams being shattered, little boys getting aggressive- so my first instinct was to scream ‘FIRE’! 

I dove over my stepdaughter’s head, ducked and rolled.  I saw mothers screaming, business men taking one last bite of their hotdog on a stick before waddling off, and the Easter Bunny- put back on his head and scampered. 

We hid in the Baby Gap as they tried to figure out what hooligan called a false fire. 

Kids these days.

But that will teach the Easter Bunny.  Another life saved. 

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Just a little teaser of good things to come!  Alisha Gaddis has your back! 

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/post/9340706232/parenting-advice-from-someone-who-didnt-think-she

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/post/8388831028/parenting-advice-from-someone-who-didnt-think-she

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/post/9000861881/parenting-advice-from-someone-who-didnt-think-she