How To Be Unemployed: Final Tips

In previous posts, I offered a tip on how to watch daytime TV while unemployed and suggested activities to fill the unemployed void, like making a recipe binder! Still unemployed? Here are more ideas to waste your time:

Take naps.

Do you remember when you were working and you'd crave chocolate or coffee at 3 PM, anything to help you make it to 5PM? You'll begin to feel that way about naps. There's nothing that beats the 3-4 PM Dr. Oz nap. Well, maybe a paycheck. Look on the bright side, this…

beats this

Update your address book with contact info for everyone you ever met.

Anal organizing is a fantastic way to make you feel like you're doing something productive while actually earning no money or professional credit. Other anal chore recommendations include cataloging old greeting cards, creating too many folders in your email, recording birthdays and anniversaries, throwing out old coupons, alphabetizing books, collecting every log in and passwords for every website you've ever visited that require a log in and password.

Join a flash mob.

A great activity to pass the time while you're waiting for your temp agency to call is to join a flash mob to advertise consumer products, TV shows and pop stars’ new albums. If you’re not going to make money, why not help millionaires make more?

Start a blog.

About anything. Unfortunately it's no longer 2003, so I don't think you'll be handed a book deal upon opening a Blogger account, but you'll feel like you're doing something.

Weigh yourself after you eat something or go to the bathroom.

See how much it changes. And how much you officially hate yourself.

For stand-up clips and more visit Laura’s website. Have 8 minutes and 54 seconfs to spare? Check out Laura’s comedic short, Ten Minute Decade!

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Slowly Turning Off the Out of the Office Notification By Laura Mannino (October 4th, 2011) For past two weeks I’ve been out of the office, out of town, and out of the country! I’m back in front of my laptop...and I got nothing. Shameless self-promotion always swoops in to save the day when creativity takes a backseat. I returned from my two-week cheese and museum binge to some great news. The Big Apple Film Festival selected my comedic short film that I wrote and starred in, Ten Minute Decade. If you’re in NYC, you can check it out at Tribeca Cinemas on November 1. Don’t live in New York? Don’t have ten minutes? You can watch the much shorter and very funny trailer. Watched the trailer and want more? You can watch the entire film (and it’s less than ten minutes). Visit the TMD’s website for current info about festivals and screening dates. Hopefully, there will be more to come. Next week I will be back with actual thoughts…probably written as a list. (Yes, that is a baby bottle full on wine.) For more of Laura’s writing and stand-up clips, visit her website and YouTube Channel! ------------------------------------------------- Affirmations for Actors Part 2: Auditions By Laura Mannino Last time, I offered some tips about theatre. What if you get the opportunity to audition for something that people will actually want to watch? Here are some tips and affirmations to help you get through the audition process. An audition is a great opportunity...to put on a bra. And brush your hair. And do adult things like follow simple directions about where to stand. How to fake out your fellow auditioners …Why spend the time before an audition preparing when you can screw with your fellow auditioners. Here are some suggestions: Don't underestimate the power of simple leering, also known as "stink eye." When you exit the audition room proclaim that you got the role. There might be a gullible Midwesterner that will believe you and leave. Give your fellow auditioner the head to toe look down when she enters the room, then proceed to intensely stare at her chin. As you walk into the audition room, begin to unbutton your blouse. Place sides from the short lived 80's sitcom, I Married Dora right next to the sign-in sheet. Stuff to think about when a Casting Director is giving you directions and blocking during an audition: I'm not going to get this. I should've White Stripped my teeth this morning. What clever, cutesy thing am I going to say during my slate? I have to pee. Lunch? Do I look fat? How can I subtlety check my fly? Should I find the CD on Facebook? I'm totally going to get this! Wait, what am I supposed to do? During an audition you can say the words written on the page or...Improvise! Improvise! Improvise! Why add a "button" to the end of the scene when you can add a "zipper!' Just add your own jokes, and overlook entire chunks of dialogue. You're the actor! You're the artist! Show all those producers and writers in the room who you really are, what makes you unique! It's not like writers are paid professionals that labored over every word and have a larger understanding of the characters and story arc. They need you to show them what's funny! Thank God you got called in to audition to show them there's a better script right inside your brilliant actor head! Audition Dry Spell? Maybe......it's the economy. Maybe it's the industry. Maybe no one needs 25 year old white women at the moment. Maybe it's the union. Maybe it's your agent. Maybe it's your headshots. Maybe you need more credits. Maybe it's your reel. Maybe you don't know the right people. Maybe you're not working hard enough. Maybe you're working too hard. Maybe you need to join another casting site. Maybe you need more classes. Maybe it's those fine lines. Maybe it's those ten extra pounds. Maybe it's those ten extra years. Maybe you're not talented. Maybe no one likes you. Maybe it's destiny telling you to quit. Maybe you should've gone to Law School. Maybe you'll never get of debt. Maybe you'll never own a house. Maybe you should've gone out with that nice Accounting Major during junior year. Maybe you'll never find the right person. Maybe you'll never have a kid. Maybe all those inspirational posters hung in your classrooms were wrong. Maybe you're wasting your life. Maybe it's just a dry spell. But definitely be a dick to your agent about it. And finally, you are totally right for that part... too bad you're too fat for it. And even more finally, here’s a shameless actor plug…Don’t have ten minutes, check out the very short and very funny trailer of my short, Ten Minute Decade! For more info visit Laura’s website and Facebook page. Watch Laura’s short film, Ten Minute Decade! Follow @lauramannino. ----------------------------------------------- How To Be Unemployed Craft Tip: Fill the Void with a Recipe Binder By Laura Mannino A few weeks ago, I offered a tip on how to watch TV when sitting at home all day unemployed. In honor of Labor Day, here’s another tip to help you enjoy your “time off.” Don’t have job to go to tomorrow? Do you find yourself staring at that stack of magazines? It’s time to waste the day making a recipe binder! Step 1: Go through each issue of Sunset, Real Simple, Stew Fancy, etc. and rip out every single recipe. Every single one. What, you have some place to go to later? I didn’t think so. Step 2: Place each recipe in a 3-hole punch, clear sheet protector and organize them in a binder in the following categories: Fancy Salads I'll Only Make When Guests Come Over Fancy Meats I'll Try to Make When Guests Come Over BBQ I'll Actually Make When Guests Come Over Cutesy Baking Shit I'll Never Make Even Guests Come Over Because I'm Just Not Wired To Be A "Cutesy Baking Shit" Person. Ugh, I'd have to blow my candle and wine glass budget on tins and pans and Crisco and then there's flour everywhere, I can’t... Booze. Step 3: Enjoy a Shaved Artisan Ice Pomegranate Mango Mojito Breeze with take-out while browsing the “Etc.” job posts on craigslist. Happy Labor Day! For more info visit Laura’s website and Facebook page. Watch the very funny and very short Ten Minute Decade! Follow @lauramannino. ------------------------------------------------ Part 4: Just Don’t Be An A**hole (Miscellaneous Tips Edition) By Laura Mannino To the perma-sick: No one cares about your 13th cold this year or your cramps. There are dead people in rubble somewhere. Don't be a hypochondriac a**hole. If someone takes the time to think of you, take the time to thank that person. Don't be an ungrateful a**hole. Don't ask a co-worker personal questions. You're the accounts payable lady, not her mom & she's not ready to tell you if she's pregnant. Don't be a nosy a**hole. Lactose intolerant? Really? So cheese makes you a little gassy. Welcome to eating food. Eating is (pun intended) a crapshoot. Shut up. Don't be a whiny a**hole. If you’re late, call! Don’t make the person waiting for you to pick up the phone to see where you are. Don't be a flaky a**hole. If someone wanted you to know how much something cost, she would’ve kept the price tag on. Again, don't be a nosy a**hole. You don’t have to be in such a panic to grab the plastic divider bar and separate your eggs & diapers from my wine & Red Vines. Don't be a supermarket a**hole. The Wave. Don’t underestimate the power of the wave when another driver lets you in. Don't be a driving a**hole. Can I sit here or did your bags also pay full fare? Don't be a mass transportation a**hole. I'm sorry my fingers grazed the fork I handed you. Please make me feel bad at it and ask the busboy for a new one. I hope his ass grazed it. Don't be a germ a**hole. Yes, I have a pen you can borrow. Please don't bother to hand it back to me so I don't have a pen at all. Don't be a pen borrowing a**hole. Can we put the kibosh on the use of "toxic" & "I didn't get the memo?" Don't be a cliché a**hole. Check out: Laura’s latest newsletter with show dates and a shout out to SSFB and Comediva! For more info visit Laura’s website and Facebook page. Watch the very funny and very short Ten Minute Decade! Follow @lauramannino.