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Red Wine, Cats & Recipes: It’s now a show, you guys!!!!

Say Something Funny B*tch! has teamed with the incredibly talented duo, Hasalyn Modine and Logan Modine (http://aloneinaforest.com/red-wine-cats-recipes-volume-i/) to create the very first episode of Red Wine, Cats & Recipes - THE SHOW!!!

I couldn’t be more excited and I hope you all enjoy watching as much as we enjoyed making. Now watch this - now! Right now!

Ahi Tuna Salad with Avocado and Grapefruit

1 pound fresh ahi tuna
4 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2 limes zested and juiced
1 sectioned grapefruit
1 chopped jalapeno with seeds
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon wasabi paste
2 teaspoons soy sauce
1-2 ripe avocados
1/4 cup red onions, chopped 

Brush the tuna with olive oil, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place the tuna steaks in a very hot saute pan and cook for 1 minute on each side. Set aside on a platter.

Meanwhile, in a bowl, combine the avocados, lime zest, lime juice, and jalapenos.  Dress with a mixture of remaining olive oil, wasabi and soy sauce.

Cut the tuna in chunks and place in bowl. Finally add the cilantro, grapefruit, red onion and your salt and pepper. Carefully mix.

We’re Having a Fundraiser! And we need YOU.

Mark your calendars, for at 8 pm, the eve of July 28th at 1744 N. Wilton Place will be a fundraiser of epic proportions! In fact, we want to make it even epic-er than ever, and to do that, we need your help!

Let us backtrack.  “Say Something Funny, Bitch” is a website that was started by Alisha Gaddis in 2010, to bring a group of strong, female voices to the online comedy community. Since then, SSFB has been bringing you articles that were funny, topical, touching, artistic and pictorial (yeah, photo essays, what of it?) and the site has been reposted by blogs like Comediva, Hello Giggles and some weird Australian pro-Paris Hilton pop culture blog.

Unfortunately, Tumblr is getting far too small to house our rapidly growing readership! What we are aspiring to do through this fundraiser is to build a brand new website so that we can keep bringing the world content that is brilliant, hilarious, brilliant, witty, awesome, innovative, feminist, brilliant and brilliant. 

We are looking to raise 800 dollars. That will be the TOTAL cost to build new and world-class website fit to house the musings of our writers: Alisha Gaddis, Bekah Tripp, Rebecca Leib, Laura Mannino, Jamie Brunton, Maggy Keegan, Kate Ruppert, Renee Gauthier, Jessica Glassberg and a plethora of other funny, rotating guest writers!  Please, if there is any service or object you could donate to our cause- anything from a coaching session to a haircut to a date to a drawing to your Beta copy of Tron to that gross wine your weird Uncle bought you for your birthday three years ago…we’d love to take it off your hands and put it in our raffle to hopefully help out our cause!

If you can’t totally no big deal.  In fact, we’re delighted you even read this far (really, we know how busy a handsome fellow or madam like you is!) Please come to the fundraiser, get the word out, or sit and reflect on the inherent irony of gleaning self-appreciation from a mass query (really, we’re just happy you’re reading).  If you do decide to donate a service or object and you have a business or want to advertise with us, we can put you on the poster and hand out cards at the event. Or pass this along to someone you think would be willing to help! Whatever it takes! 

If you can donate a service or object, contact TuesdayMeditations@gmail.com

Celebrate your lady!

FYI:  The Vibrator was the 5th household appliance to be electrified, after the fan, tea kettle, sewing machines and fan. 

Sisters have ALWAYS been doing it for themselves! 

B*tches being funny.

Alisha and Renee: An Evening of Shock and Awe

Comedy Central Stage.

Tuesday Meditations: My First Year

Hey all,

sorry I’ve been MIA.  You see, it’s really hard to post on this tumblr these days- tumblr”s all kinds of fucked up. So, I wrote something else for a different magazine,  called Slacklust.  Check it out here!

This week, I’m off to NYC and then to Taiwan.  After that, I’ll have ALL SORTS OF FUCKED UP CRAZY BULLSHIT TO TALK ABOUT.  PROMISE!

You’re welcome,

Rebecca

Two B*tches doing it up.

Comedy Central Stage.

July 10th, 8pm.

Free.

What’s not to love?!

'I spent a lot of money on Mary Kay products today,' I said. In the bathtub. To my cat.

'You heard me.' by Kate Ruppert

I for sure don’t have a column for you this week.  It’s been a week, y’all.  That’s all I can say.  Even trying to think about having to come up with something is tiring.  I think if I got paid to be here, I’d care more, but I don’t, and the job that does pay me is requiring a fuckton of my time.  I have dinner plans tonight that I’m about to cancel because I just want to go home and sit down for the day.  Sorry.  I’m not putting you off, promise.  Next week won’t happen either.  Don’t kill me, but I have a wedding in Indiana for my best girl, Alisha, and I can’t have multiple activities.  I get overwhelmed.  My Kidden is sick, and I just spent $300 at the vet to get her x-rays and an antibiotic; coincidentally, I also just spent $29 on a handle of voddy, and, much like people schedule sex, I schedule time without other people and that time is now.  I need to regroup and stay hush for a minute, and I’ll be back in a bit.  Aiite, you know how, in the old days, TV shows used to have a season finale, and then there would be a hiatus during the summer and there would be NOTHING to watch until, like, September, and there was none of this mid-season replacement bullshit?  Well, I won’t make you wait until September, but I will be taking a hiatus.  The Summer of Tennis begins tomorrow and there are bowls to be smoked and balls to be slammed into next Tuesday.  You heard me.  I need some leisure.  And you, no doubt, need time to yourselves, too.  I’ll see you pretty babies in a few weeks.  Behave and make some good choices without me.  Or don’t; I could use some inspiration.  

We’re conditioned to think that the elderly are innocent, torchbearers of an older, simpler time. But many of them are actually terrible, monstrous killers, waiting to catch us unaware in a moment of altruism.

A New York Taxi Driver

Tuesday Meditations: DORITO TACO’ED

Good morn, readers.  By the time you read this,  my extraordinary lunch will have been almost fully digested, and perhaps I will have different thoughts about what occurred at approximately 2:09 pm, the afternoon of April 24th, 2012.

But until I get closure, I present to you my story.

Our scene begins in a Taco Bell drive through line.  I was with my cat, who was at the vet getting bloodwork done because she keeps throwing up in intimate corners of my home.  Me- hungry, despite having been peed on at the vet by a neighborhood beagle. 

Do not fucking get me wrong- I love fast food, but I rarely eat that bullshit because my vices come in the form of alcohol and RITE AID purchases.  Still, I was in a bind.  My cat was in tow and I had to get home so that my handyman could fix a broken trowel in my bathroom. 

What was I to do?

I’ll tell you what.  I was between a rock and a hard place, between vetville and troweltown.  I had to think fast, and also hard.  I was going to go for my regular 90’s go to- Nachos bel Grande or cheesy gordita, two tacos and rampant indigestion when I spotted the Dorito Taco.

While my normal self and wailing cat said no, the 13 year old boy inside of me said YES.

So I bought it, and took that shit home.  It sat on my desk, staring back at me like a slop-filled harlequin with boisterous wrappings and bold, brash font.

But I looked it up and down.  “I will master you,” I thought.  “I will master you.”

Five minutes later, it was over. 

I had prevailed!  I was like Rosa Parks of taco bell, only with less busses and more Doritos tacos.  I was triumphant, full, and somewhat nauseated! My head was spinning. my temples ached. My palms smelled like cheese sauce.

I took another sip of my Diet Sierra Mist. 

Victory. One song revealed itself to me, like a mirage in a sea of paper-wrapped meat drippings.  The song was one that was known to me, but then I changed it for this specific situation and but also to make you laugh. 

WE SHALL OVERCOME, by Charles Tindley BUT ALSO AND ESPECIALLY BY REBECCA LEIB

We shall overcome, we shall overcome,
We shall overcome someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall overcome someday.

The tail-less cat will see us through, The tail-less cat will see us through,
The tail-less cat will not vomit on my Ikea Divan someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
She shall overcome someday.

We’re on to victory, We’re on to victory,
We’re on to victory someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We’re on to victory someday.

We’ll walk with three tacos, we’ll walk with three tacos,
We’ll walk with three tacos in hand someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We’ll walk with three tacos in hand so that I don’t have to sneak them past my vegan roommate in my purse, someday.

We are not afraid of our Romanian handyman, we are not afraid of our Romanian handyman,
We are not afraid today;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
we will not let our Romanian handyman yell at us about abusing our dryer’s dry cycle today.

Diet Sierra Mist shall make us free, Diet Sierra Mist shall make us free,
Diet Sierra Mist shall make us free someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
Diet Sierra Mist shall make us free someday.

We shall live in peace, We shall live in peace,
We shall live in peace someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall live in peace someday and fucking make sure that some bullshit fast food tacos don’t give me the runs.

You’re welcome,

Rebecca

I just spent 2 hours writing copy for a juicer you can only use in Europe. Your move, world.

Rebecca Leib

“Ne Ne Leaks, You Lucky Bitch” by Renee Gauthier

Alright world, I am back with current reality show rants. It has been a while but I have been sitting in stillness trying to report “back to love”. Well ,I have reported back in and now I am happy to put a “loving” spin on all the reality and scripted shows that I have had on in the background whilst getting centered.

 

A lot has been happening with me. I am a single and ready to mingle lady and I have been on just a few legit dates. I am now home typing this blog so they clearly went well.

 

First up, I stopped watching “Dance Moms”, yet it still tapes for me. I just couldn’t deal with the mothers anymore. They reminded me of girls I went to high school with but way older and bitterer with Kate Plus 8 haircuts. I didn’t mind the fat yelling dance teacher… she actually made sense to me.


I am watching “American Idol” and “The Voice” I like the talent on “idol” but the eye candy of Adam Levine on “The Voice”.


Olton Dixon was voted off last week and that just shows you who is voting… idiots. Elyse is soooo unlikable she has no right to even have that good voice she is sporting.

 

I also watch “Real Housewives of Atlanta, Orange County” and meee ladies of “Jersey “are back on the scene. Now I have been watching “Celebrity Apprentice” as well and Theresa Guidice is on that show and pretty likable although confirms her intelligence level. On the Reunion of Atlanta Ne Ne Leaks proves that people who are assholes get what they want out of life except friends, Cynthia is a giant fake and Candi is still my favorite. On the first episode of “NJ Housewives” Theresa’s husband Joe is a big fat jerkbag who pretends to lift weights and not to have cheated on his wife. I am super excited for this to unfold.

 

Now I am rusty and way too in touch with my loving self to get super nasty for my first blog back but I assume and can almost promise I will get my “groove back”.

 

PS. Please see “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Woman” it is funny and good.

think

 

I will be in Palm Springs this Saturday. Azul Comedy show….

http://www.facebook.com/pages/COMEDY-NIGHT-AT-AZUL-in-Palm-Springs/400332957467


And more of me at: http://midwesthot.tumblr.com/

Tempted by the fruit of another. 

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