Say Something Funny...B*tch

I know Rebecca Leib is our resident Haiku master, however I’ve had a shitty week and thought I’d try some art as therapy, booze no longer working.

Haikus to an LA Landlord:

My landlord be whack

If I get murdered, twas him

I totes promise you

***

The heater is broke

No, I don’t want your long johns

You give me the creeps

***

Look out the window

It is that guy, the Landlord

Just skulkin’ around

***

Sometimes trees just grow

It’s not my fault that they’re big

Blame sun not sprinklers

***

Finally…

Here’s a recipe

It is scrambled like you are

Pun is intended

Perfectly Scrambled Eggs

(Something else we brought back from France. The scrambled eggs there are more labor intensive but worth it. Constant stirring over very low heat makes little curds and an almost custard -like texture. Divine. By the way, that poetry DID make me feel better.)

Serves 1

2 large eggs brought to room temperature (this is very important!)

1 tablespoon of butter

Salt and pepper to taste

A pinch of paprika

Crack room temperature eggs in a mixing bowl and stir to just combine, not aerate. Add salt and pepper. It is best to cook just two eggs at a time but you can do more if you’d like.

Meanwhile melt one tablespoon of butter in a skillet over the lowest heat setting possible. Once butter is melted, add eggs, If the eggs start to cook on contact the skillet is too hot! We are talking very low heat here.

Start stirring the eggs in a circular motion with a rubber spatula. Never stop stirring, this is what creates the lovely curd texture. Keep stirring until eggs thicken and start to change color, about 3-4 minutes.

Once eggs are almost done, but still slightly runny, remove from heat and serve. Eggs will continue to cook.

Sprinkle with a pinch of paprika.

When I was in elementary school I started to get teased a lot because I had hairy arms. Still do. The kids called me gorilla arms. So my mom took pity on me and secretly started to Nair my arms to get rid of the hair. So they were SILKY smooth like a lady’s leg! Which at the time, I thought was this amazing act of compassion. But in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best way to deal with the situation – you know, cause I was seven and because Nair is POISON!

Like I dont know if you’ve ever used the stuff before but it fucking burns; it hurts! Also it makes your hair shrivel up like some sort of nightmarish melted plastic spaghetti. It’s horrifying.

Also… a completely hairless arm? Far creepier than a hairy one - just in general - It looks off.

So my dad finds out, I don’t remember how – probably caught his reflection in my gleaming hairless body - and he gets into a fight with my Mom about it. I remember hearing the whole thing from the next room. He was like, “You can’t just Nair her arms cause kids are teasing her; it sends the wrong message. She needs to accept herself for who she is.”

Which is true!

And then he goes… “What are we gonna do when kids start teasing her about her gigantic lips?”

So I shaved my arms until I was in high school. Which, if you’ve ever thought about doing, don’t. It’s a horrible idea. Let’s just put it this way… explaining forearm stubble - actually a lot more embarrassing than the original problem. F -Y- I. I mean, either way you’re wearing long sleeves.

Shaved Fennel Salad with Orange and Toasted Pistachio

Serves 4

Adapted from http://www.chow.com/recipes/11565-shaved-fennel-and-pistachio-salad

2 medium bulbs of fennel, sliced very thin, fennel fronds set aside

1/2 cup toasted and salted pistachios

2 tablespoons good olive oil

1 tablespoons fresh squeezed lemon

1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest

1/2 teaspoon finely grated orange rind

3/4 cup orange sections (about two large oranges)

Coarse salt and pepper to taste

Combine and toss all the above ingredients in a large bowl until fennel is coated. Season with coarse salt and ground black pepper. Lightly sprinkle with fennel fronds for garnish. Serve immediately or refrigerate for up to 1 day.

In the glamorous adventure that is my life, I just got back from Paris. Here is what I learned:

The French eat a lot of butter. A lot.

It is okay to start drinking red wine at breakfast.

My French is worse than I thought.

The French thought I was worse than I thought.

When someone hates you they really do say “Oohlala!”

To be fair, the nasty looks could have been due to the fact that my Fiance and I parked ourselves in front of the Mona Lisa for a good 45 minutes. Doing this.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip and the food was awesome. Although I’m usually full-up on the self-loathing, Paris. But thanks for reminding me I’m terrible.

Parisian Ham and Brie Sandwich (simple, elegant, better than you)

The nicest ham you can find (Really, the jambon in Paris is insane. If you can get your hands on some use that, otherwise sub-in prosciutto.)

One fresh baguette (Super fresh and local is the name of the game here.)

A good triple crème brie

Butter

Fresh basil

Assemble the sandwich then imagine you are strolling down the Champs Elysees, smoking a cigarette and coughing in people’s faces.

P.S. I really did love Paris.

I may have mentioned this before but I pride myself on being a champion sleeper. I can drink a whole pot of coffee and instantly take a nap, I can pass out in car, on a train, in a bus, up in a plane, I can take a 3 hour nap – get up, eat – then go back to bed. Some people may call this depression.

Last night however, I could not sleep. This freaked me out, I was like “My one gift!!!” So you know what I did? I cooked.

Well correction, I watched my boyfriend cook while I stirred the bacon and drank wine. Yeah – Brett was up too. Cause I have a rule in my house: “If I am miserable – so are you.”

Anyway, Brett made an AMAZING lentil recipe that is being passed around like crack cocaine on the internet. And with good reason, it’s phenomenal.

I was suspicious that after so much wine, anything would taste awesome but I got up this morning, had them with a fried egg, and went to straight back to food heaven. This recipe is from Joe Beef, a restaurant in Montreal, and wowowowowow! The lentils have a slight Indiany/ baked beany taste and are versatile as heck; you can eat them alone, add some ground beef, lamb, chicken, serve them up with pork-chops, have them for breakfast – you name it. Plus they are mega easy. We are talking the PERFECT recipe to make if you are ever up in the middle of the night, force your boyfriend awake cause you are “bored” then decide to get drunk and stuff your face. Some people may call this depression.

Lentils Like Baked Beans 

From The Art of Living According to Joe Beef

serves 4 (or just me… seriously they are really good.)

4 slices bacon, finely chopped

1 yellow onion, finely chopped

1/2 minced garlic

2 cups red lentils, rinsed well and picked over

4 cups water

1/4 cup ketchup

2 tablespoons maple syrup, plus more if desired

2 tablespoons neutral oil (something you would fry/ saute with. Canola ect.)

2 tablespoons Coleman’s mustard powder

1 tablespoon cider vinegar, plus more if desired

1 teaspoon ground pepper, plus more if desired

1 bay leaf

Salt

Preheat oven to 350F.

Using an oven-proof pot with a lid, fry bacon until crisp. Don’t drain fat. Add onions to bacon stirring constantly for about 4-5 minutes or until onions  are tender and slightly translucent. Add garlic and cook for another minute.

Add lentils, water, ketchup, maple syrup, oil, mustard, vinegar, pepper and bay leaf. Stir to combine, season with salt and bring to a boil. Once at a boil, cover pot and place in the oven until lentils are tender, about 45 minutes. Adjust seasoning as needed. 

P.S. I should mention that my man found the recipe here: Seven Spoons. Great food blog. Plus - this person takes way better pictures than me.

.

Question, Ladies: what exactly is “business casual”? What does that mean to you?   

Me, I’ve always been of the mind that “more is more”. I overdress to the grocery store, I love pearls and long gloves, I wouldn’t be caught dead without stockings on, hell I’ll even dress up my food. I’m great!

That’s why I was shocked when my manager took me aside the other day and told me to be less “… on the edges of the dress-code”.

WHAT?!!!

I mean, if anything, I was classing up the joint; givin’ it a more “ladies who lunch” vibe. I mean obvi this guy has no taste, no panache; who wouldn’t want an ELEGANT secretary?! But facts is facts, folks and this wet blanket is my boss. So I decided to do the superior thing and compromise. And now, every day before I leave the house, I look in the mirror, take off one piece of costume jewelry, remember I’m a secretary and promise not to kill myself.

Image via http://www.moviefanfare.com

Now that’s what I call from work to night!

Dressed-up Frozen Pizza

One frozen CPK White Pizza

Sea Salt

Red pepper flakes

Whole milk ricotta

Cook pizza as instructed. Remove from oven and top with dollops of ricotta. Sparingly sprinkle sea salt on ricotta mounds. Dust with hot red pepper flakes.  

I just started a new job and I’ve discovered that starting at a new job feels a lot like being the new kid at school. What I am trying to say is, I have been eating lunch in my car.

Raw Kale Salad with Chicken, Toasted Walnuts and Cranberries

(This is what I have been eating. It’s delicious and keeps me from having to get to know anyone.)

Serves 4

½ cup dried cranberries

½ cup walnuts, lightly toasted

1 package of boneless, skinless chicken breast tenders

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil

1 teaspoon salt

2 bunches of kale (about 1 pound), center ribs and stems removed, leaves thinly sliced crosswise

1 large avocado, diced

Zest and juice of 1 lemon

Preheat oven to 350 F. Spray a glass casserole dish with nonstick cooking spray. Season chicken with salt and pepper and place in dish in a single layer. Drizzle lightly with olive oil then cover dish with tin foil. Cook about 25 minutes then remove foil. Continue cooking until chicken is done, approx 5-7 mins.

Meanwhile place kale in a large mixing bowl. Add cranberries, toasted walnuts and avocado. Once chicken has cooled, add chicken, lemon zest/juice then season with salt, pepper, drizzle with a good olive oil, put in your best Tupperware container then sneak past those judgmental parking attendants with your head held high. They don’t know you!

I’M BACK!

I took a few weeks off to do some “me things” then Tumblr decided to suck balls and I haven’t been able to post to my page for about a zillion years blahblahblah I’m back.

AHEM!

While away, I did some pretty awesome stuff. Like what? Well I took a five week French class at the LA Community College. Have you been to LACC? Well let me tell you, it’s NOT great. But I am going to Paris in February and thought it would be nice to brush up on my French, since all I remember from high school is how to make crepes and say “I am 16 years old”.

Anyway, I took the class with a few friends and a handful of people that I am pretty sure were homeless or at the very least, f-ing crazy! Honestly, I don’t know how these people could afford to pay the $100 tuition or what they were possibly going to do with remedial French skills, but there we were. And I soon realized how hard it was going to be to learn ANYTHING.

Case in point?

WEEK 1:

Week one consisted of a man with OCD freaking out because someone asked to borrow his pen. Wrong move. Not satisfied to simply let it go – OCD Guy launches into a long, in depth tale of how he was late to class because he dropped his pen, spiraled into a panic and then had to wash it clean. No one cares but the story stretches into infinity. Desperate to keep the class on track, our Professor teaches us how to say “What is the date?” in French.

WEEK 2:

Monotone Man in the front row steadily mumbles non-stop for the entirety of the two hour lesson. “Oh yeah, that’s just like Spanish.” “Huh? Uh, I know that one… it’s uh… hello. That’s hello in French.” “I’ve been to France like… three times.” It was like a low, never-ending hum of his every thought and impression; basically the stream of consciousness of an idiot. The Professor is clearly aggravated and teaches us how to say “What is the date?” in French.

WEEK 3:

The older woman in class, Marie, reveals herself to be a shrill lunatic after the Professor suggests copying the French CD to a computer. Marie has a complete meltdown because she doesn’t understand computers and never will and DON’T EVEN TALK TO HER ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE WON’T GET IT!!!!!!! Defeated, the Professor teaches us how to say “What is the date?” in French.

Week 4:

The Professor tries to shake OCD Guy’s hand. Wrong move. Marie is convinced that the Professor created the Venn diagram just to fuck with her and Monotone Man engages OCD Guy in a conversation about the health benefits of fist bumping vs. hand shaking. We learn how to say “What is the date?”

Week 5:

No one shows up to class. The professor tells me I should probably repeat French 1 and that I am no good at “la pronunciation”.

Hey, at least I still know how to make some kick ass crepes. Also, Quelle est la date?

Lemon and Powdered Sugar Crepes

Adapted from http://allrecipes.com/recipe/basic-crepes/

Makes approx. 8 crepes

1 cup all-purpose flour

2 eggs

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup water

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter, melted

Zest of 1 lemon

Lemon wedges and powdered sugar for topping.

Mix flour and eggs in a large bowl. Slowly add the milk and water, stirring to thoroughly combine. Then add the lemon zest, salt and butter. Mix or beat until smooth.

Heat a lightly oiled pan over a medium flame. Using a ¼ measuring cup, scoop out the batter onto the hot pan. Tilt the pan slowly in order to thinly and evenly cover the surface with batter.

Cook the crepe for about two minutes on each side or until light brown. Turn and cook on the other side. P.S. They say the first crepe is “for the dog” and to be thrown out. Do what you want.

Serve topped with plenty of fresh squeezed lemon juice and powdered sugar. Voila!

You guys ready for the holidays?

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It’s Jamie’s birthday and man, does she know how to celebrate!

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Jamie Brunton serves you up last minutes meals and costume ideas!http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/jamiebrunton

Q: Who knew healthy could be good?…

A: The same people who knew women could be funny.

Read more!

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Week 2 of this hell-diet (aka: the no alcohol, coffee, dairy, wheat, sugar, soy, red meat, joy diet).

At this point, I’m pretty sure I would murder for the leftover backwash in the bottom of a stranger’s wine glass. I’d also kill for a f***ing cupcake.

Read more:

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