So I was out and f*cking about at the Justin Bieber Movie, Never Say Never tonight. Yeah, I saw it. Why? Because I’m f*cking open-minded, especially when I’m not driving. Okay, I’m not open-minded. But I like the internet! BUT IT WAS GOOD. I would have sex with him, and that wouldn’t be a f*cking stretch because, f*ck, I’m still in my 20s. Right? That’s like a ten-year or probably less than ten year age difference, but I prefer not to date myself. Let’s just say I’m totally f*ckable, in a timeless way.
Look, I know I’ve hated on Bieber in the past, but look at those moves! He was like a tiny lesbian Usher. Was that joke made before? I hope not because I’m about to tweet it. And once you tweet, you can’t delete the tweet because believe me, I’ve tried, it doesn’t work.
Know what’s weird? Nobody ever said Never to him. I THINK THAT’S IRONIC. Shit, he was drumming and making Youtube movies in eutero. THAT KID IS TALENTED. I mean it. The 13 year old girls and twinks next to me MEANT IT. Know what else is weird? Half a bottle of wine goes down fast in a theatre. Also, the arclight made me buy two boxes of milk duds and finish them before the credits. Now, how is that fair?
Man, that Justin Bieber loves his segway. Yeah, he rides a segway. Also, he’s a f*cking REGULAR PRANKSTER. He PLAYS PRANKS, on the 30’something CREW MEMBERS FOR HIS TOUR! Like waking them up when they are napping and pumping hand soap on them? That must make them feel like a million bucks! But HEY, WHO CAN SAY NO TO A JOB AND FREE COLD CUTS?
Also, Bieber loves his oddly attractive mom. And, Jesus. Also, the disturbing part of the film was when he brought one creaming-her-pants, conventionally attractive 12 year old onstage, caressed her cheek, and gave her a dozen roses before pushing her offstage into the murderous, prepubescent hungry masses. Who wouldn’t want to see this movie? It’s SO F*CKING GOOD. It’s in 3D!
Justin Bieber’s hand almost touched me. It was the 3d, plus the 3 Coors lights I brought with me to the theatre. And no, I’m not sharing.
Okay, these are just the highlights. I’ll let you see it for yourself. I hope you like the color purple, and the mood, inspiring.
On to other news:
My roommate, Sarah feels bad when I leave my contact cases out, but really she shouldn’t. Know why? Because all sorts of gross shit gets on my hands, and into my eyes. Like one time, I put my brother’s contacts into my eyes because our contact cases were fucking right next to each other. Doubly misleading is his contact case was purple, and mine was white. I thought mine was the more feminine color, purple. But, it was my brother’s. And f*cking mashed my brothers’ gross contact lenses into my eyes. So, that’s that.
But she also really shouldn’t worry, because I’ve put f*cking nastiness into my eye sockets. Like, when you’re done giving some dude a handjob and your hand’s super gross and you take your contacts out to go to bed, but really you’re just putting semen hands all over your contacts. And you’re gumming up your contacts the next day with HUMAN SEMEN.
Anyhow, the lesson is never say never. Because shit can happen, like international stardom or semen eyeballs.
Rebecca Leib can be seen this week in:
hosting and improvising at Mustaches & Mai Tais, Thursday March 3rd from 9-11 pm at The Palace Restaurant
improvising with Classy, at 8:30 Friday, March 4th at 8:30 pm in the DCT
and improvising again with Classy, at 10 pm in the Second City Thunderdome!