I spend so much time talking about B*tches, honoring B*tches, and being the best B*tch I can be, that I have not yet taken the time to properly address the issue of B*tch…in all it’s splendid grandeur. First and foremost, let me list for you some attributes that comprise the fierce B*tches that I know and love. Loyalty…my B*tches are some of the most true blue people you will ever meet. They are more than a friend, they are family. They would die for you….they would go to jail for you….they would pretend to be your lesbian lover in a bar if a gross guy was hitting on you. Next, they are Unique and Confident. I know that’s two things…but they go together. Each lovely B*tch I know is a divinely special individual and there is not another like them. The best part is that they are so amazingly comfortable and confident in their own skin that they actual instill confidence in others! One of my favorites, they possess an amazingly developed and hilarious Wit. My B*tches make me laugh till I cry. In life, I surround myself with those that can get me through a tough time with love and humor and all my B*tches are capable of that…their hearts are huge and full!!
Okay….so now that we’ve got a pretty good illustration of what makes a B*tch amazing…let’s take a trip down to the other end of the spectrum. We all have that inner demon B*tch. She mainly comes out on a rough day and causes us to look like an asshole or she makes an appearance the week before lady time of the month and forces us to eat two pieces of chocolate cake at 1 am on the floor of our kitchen, in the dark. This B*tch can and will linger in our lives…during times of stress or turmoil. Sometimes this B*tch can do a total mind/body takeover. You have to watch out for this sh*t. It can ruin you.
I’m going to outline a few types of B*tches that may take you over. If you notice a change in yourself, and not for the good…you may be possessed by a truly awful B*tchy moment that has ended up lasting for years. At that point, contact a friend for a Bitchervention IMMEDIATELY.
JEALOUS B*TCH-this is a social life killer. Once this B*tch starts sticking with you, no ones wants to be around you. Stop coveting sh*t in other people and find what you envy in others…in yourself. You are lovely and beautiful…find your confidence and you will banish Jealous B*tch to the far reaches of irrationality. ( I know..f*ck Dr. Phil…this shit is word gold!!)
PITY ME B*TCH-everybody has stuff they don’t like about themselves or their life. Don’t be the hostess at an eternal pity party…cause I hate that sh*t and so does the rest of the world. Try saying positive things on a regular basis….try watching Katherine Heigl movies…sheeeee*t.
EGO B*TCH-nope…you are not better than everyone else around you and B*tch…you built that pedestal yourself…it doesn’t mean a damn thing to anyone else but you. Get off of it, come down here with the rest of us and try humility and humanity. People will like you better.
BITTER GIRL FRIEND B*TCH-this one’s tough…a lot of us have been this B*tch….but I’ll tell you what..it’s only holding you back and making you seem like a super Beyyatch B*tch. Stop harping on sh*t and find a way to move on and grow from the experience.
Okay…that’s a taste ya’ll. Just focus on being the kindest, sweetest, most fun, open and loving B*tch you can be…and you’ll never run into these gnarly B*tch types. Also, a word of warning….even in your most foulest of moments….it is never okay to be a big *ss B*tch to old people or animals. I don’t make the rules…I just impart them to you. Old people and animals = ANGELS….remember that.