Those of you who know me know I love a lot of things: RITE AID, Horses, Indian Food, not pinterest, and tailgating, to NAME A FEW. But you all must know that I also have a raging hard-on for PURIM.
What’s Purim, you ask?
Well, it’s a pretty small-time Jew holiday that celebrates how the Jews got away with doing their own holiday shit in an oppressive-ass Persian empire way back in fucking Bible Times.
To read more, go here:
Or you could skip all that bullshit and I’ll break it down for you, right here, right now, on SSFB:
INTERIOR- SOME FUCKING CASTLE- ANCIENT IRAN:
King Ahasuerus of Persia had a big fucking feast to celebrate some victory and wanted his slutty Queen Vashti to dance naked for his court. She said no fucking way, dude, so she gets the boot and King Ahasuerus brings in a stable of new broads so that he can have his fucking after-meal sex show. One of these girls is Esther, a Jew. The King picks her, falls in love with her and puts a ring on that shit. Esther is raised by her Uncle, Mordechai, who is also Esther’s uncle but ALSO OVERHEARS A BOGUS PLOT TO ASSASSINATE THE KING! Never a dull moment in the book of Esther, bitches. Anyhow, He immediately tells Esther about the plot, who reports that shit to King A.
In a separate but equally fucking bogus-ass incident, Haman, a high advisor of the King, goes dick publicly and makes all the Jews bow down to him and shit. Mordechai won’t, and so Haman- tripping on goyish power- wants to punish all the Jews in the kingdom. He cast lots or PURIM to determine the day of jewhilation. King A is like, kind of dickless and goes along with Haman’s idea of his Jew-purge, but then Mordechai gets all depressed and Esther finally holds a big baller banquet where she reveals she’s no shiksa and asks King A to save her people and reveals that Haman was a power-hungry piece of shit. King Ahasuerus is all like, “what the fuck?” And then Haman has to lead Mordechai around on a fine horse.
Eventually, Haman is slain. Jews eat this cookie in grim remembrance.
There’s a lot of lessons we can learn from this riveting tale, but just in case you skimmed through my literary genius, I’ll break this shit down for you:
1. ALWAYS dance naked if given the opportunity.
2. Nepotism is the SHIT.
4. Never plot to kill your King publicly while wearing a cookie-shaped hat.
5. Fuck, I don’t know. This holiday is like a big fucking three ring Jew carnival, so can’t we all just get drunk and eat Hamantaschen in PEACE?
Now, if you’ll fucking excuse me, I have to go put on my slutty Vashti outfit, grab my gragger and get to TEMPLE.