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Celebrate your lady!

FYI:  The Vibrator was the 5th household appliance to be electrified, after the fan, tea kettle, sewing machines and fan. 

Sisters have ALWAYS been doing it for themselves! 

'The Male Bag' by Colin Hughes

Today marks the day of the new (and only) man on SSFB campus.  You have wrote in, often and vigorously, and Colin Hughes has answered. 

Ladies and B*tches….

QUESTION #1: WHY THE F*CK WON’T CJ ASK ME OUT?

ANSWER:

First of all I don’t know CJ and despite the overwhelming back story that you have painted for me I’m going to be forced to fill in some of what’s going on here with broad generalities.  So apply whichever advice-salve feels best.
My first guess is that he’s a dummy. It’s not a stretch when it comes to guys, our brains are very complex yet still akin to computers in the 90’s where running two programs at the same time causes severe slow down and often malfunctions. So being blunt is always a good choice when dealing with guys.
Men have invented the term the “friend zone,” which we say is a place women get to once we have become good enough friends with them. In truth it’s all fictionalized because there was never any window in time when the woman actually had feelings for the man. That magical window was created in the man’s mind after the woman said something like; “oh, we’re too good of friends, I wouldn’t want to ruin that.” It’s a nice way to let him down but left to dwell alone in a man’s mind he begins to think; “if only I had done this before we became good friends.”
While not a real thing, the “friend zone,” as a concept is believed by many dummy men. CJ may believe that he is in your “friend zone.” If that is the case meet up with him for drinks or make him go to dinner with you. Unlike normal though, you have to make it a date, instead of; “let’s meet at the bar,” you say; “let’s have drinks tonight, pick me up at 9. Dress nice. Flowers wouldn’t kill you.”
Honestly. Please say that. The entire world will be better off if you do.
If there is one thing that is universal in all men it’s that they have penises, otherwise they are not men. If there is a second thing it would probably be that men appreciate straight forwardness. So ask him out!
My fiancee handed me her phone number at a bar on Valentine’s Day. She had to stumble, literally tripping on a step, to the the back patio to hand me a little slip of paper. Why didn’t I just ask her for her number? Despite our genitalia being a synonym for courage many of us are cowards, myself included. Be like my fiancee, and ask him out!!
Originally your question was “why won’t CJ ask me out?” though, and to answer that bluntly and directly it’s probably because he doesn’t know he supposed to. Or he doesn’t like you, which isn’t likely, men like women, it’s what we do. 
Good Luck! Tell CJ I say hi.
- Colin Hughes
To ask YOUR Question to Colin- email saysomethingfunnybtch@gmail.com.  And read more Colin on twitter @colinhughesLA.

The Art of B*tching- ‘Car Business’ by Rebekah Tripp

Okay, I realize before I begin that I have little room to complain due to the fact that I have yet to be plagued with car issues until this week.  However, now I’m in the club of shitty car issues (and Welcome to the club indeed!) and so I feel that venting is perfectly appropriate.  There is nothing that can sour your damn day faster than car problems.  Am I right? Can I get an Amen? Betta Recognize!

Also, is it just me or does it seem as though car issues seem to have a sort of snowball effect.  It’s never just one thing….it’s never ever just ‘fixed’.  There’s always some freakin complication to make my existence more hellish than a day at my retail job in the mall has already made it!

Day 1 – Car on the fritz.  While I know as much about cars as Whitney Houston knew about sobriety (too soon?) I knew that something was amiss.  I told the hubs that he needed to take it to a mechanic the next day.  Yes people, I defer car issues to my man.  Why?  Cause at some point in our lives I’m going to have to push our spawn through my lady bits, that’s why.

Day 2 – Leaving for an audition.  Car doesn’t start.  Hubs did not take it in when I told him.  Am I always right?  I’m always right!!  So, I take our runner up car and he promises to fix broken car.  He gets our friends to come over in order to jump broken car. Would you believe it….broken car starts right the f*ck up!  No jump needed!! WHAT????  I had an audition broken car!!  Granted, for a non paying gig..but still! 

Day 3-4 – Car is being fixed.  They say it needs spark plugs but the battery is okay.  I have no idea what a spark plug does.  Still don’t. I didn’t even Wikipedia to find out.

Day 5 – Car place finally fixes the car. $300 bones!! Hubs goes to pick it up.  Car place says that the battery isn’t holding a charge now and that it needs a new battery.  Hubs b*tches and moans and car place gives him a battery for free.  I swear to all things holy, I have never been more attracted to that man as I was in that moment.  Confrontation, FREE battery…club me over the head and take me back to our cave, oh wonderful man of mine!!

Day 6- Drive fixed up car to work.  It’s a lovely 5 minute ride.  Cut to 9 hours later.  I come out to my car…start it…try to start it up.  Not happening.  Not only is it not happening but the hazards are turning on and off, the doors are locking by themselves, and the lights are turning on and off.  Not only will my car not work but it is also now possessed and doing some crazy Linda Blair sh*t. I then walk a few blocks in the friggity freezing cold and my roommate meets me and picks me up.  Thank heaven for that angel and thank heaven for the Gentleman Jack I had a glass of when I got home.

Day FREAKING 7 -  I failed to mention where my car was parked when it didn’t start…a mall parking garage….the HARDEST PLACE FROM WHICH TO TOW A CAR! I call this guy…he brings a tiny truck…hooks my car up..and in the process locks the keys in it.  When he finally gets the car to the body shop, which is like 30 miles away (thanks for that, hubs) the grand total is $260! Dear Lord just punch me in the boob and shave my head why don’t you! So…now it sits…waiting to be fixed.  

It’s been a pain in the bum and I’ve gotten just a smidge depressed about the whole situation.  I feel like I’m in an episode of Quantum Leap where everything is going wrong and Sam just wants to fix the problem and try to leap home.  If you don’t get that reference…stab yourself in the eye with a butter knife and then..once you’ve stopped bleeding…Netflix that sh*t. 

I am now, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of champagne…why you ask…cause I’m a playa pimp and I roll like one…that’s why!!  I hope that none of you are plagued by car bullsh*t but if you are..please know…you are not alone..I am here with you…though we’re far apart…you’re always in my heart…10 points if you know that song.  5 trillion points if you started singing it as you read it.

Valentine’s Day is Swiftly Approaching- do you have a card to speak for you?!

Whether you are in love, hate love, love hating or want a new lover to eventually hate- The Messenger has a card that will say it all for you. 

Check out this awesome new line from some of your funniest favorite b*tches- Kate Ruppert and Alisha Gaddis (with logo design by Rebecca Leib!)

http://themessengercards.com/

'Overheard at the Nail Salon #1' by Alisha Gaddis

So, I go to the nail salon.  Not as much as I used to since Kate Ruppert changed my life and had me switch from regular manicures to gel manicures (They can last perfectly up to 3 weeks.  3 weeks I say!!!)

This is not my real hand, my nails look even better- if that is possible!!!

The nail salon is the perfect place to stare at people that you would never really get to in ‘real life’ for a prolonged period of time without a fight breaking out.  You can also speak as little, or as much as you want (I chose the former, but many chose the latter).  Which leads me to my next point:  people love to talk on their phones or to their friends during this tight, fumey, cramped weird salon experience.   All around you people are screaming about their boyfriend troubles, their car payments, their in-laws annoying gift giving habits- anything and everything. 

I LOVE it.

I love these slices of insight into people’s lives, passions, and hates.  I totally geek out legally eavesdropping on these nuggets of humanity. 

Here is a piece of gold for you- overheard at the nail salon:

Girl #1: ” Kenny G came into CPK and tried to get a better table today.”

Girl #2: “Kenny what?”

Girl #1: “G.  I told him it would be 5 minutes.  He told me he had a million dollars and that I should know who he is.  I don’t know Kenny G.  I was like ‘you don’t look like my mom’s old cd cover.’”

Girl #2: “OMG.  Who has cds!?”

Girl #1: “I know.  I said, ‘If you really are so famous where are the paparazzi?!’”

Girl #2: “Ooooh.  Good one.”

Girl #1:  “He just stormed off.  He was a dick.”

Girl #2: (nods knowingly).

Girl #1: “Can you pass me the green polish with the gold flecks?”

(Girl #2 obliges. Long Silence)

Girl #1: I didn’t know he was Kenny G, but maybe he was.  He was old.  So I guess it makes sense. Maybe I should have gotten his autograph for my mom.”

Girl #2: (nods knowingly).

Girl #1: “Old semi-famous people the WORST!”

Girl #2; (nods super knowingly).

The End. 

She had a mastiff, a raspy voice and some fiancée who got her a gorgeous ring. And she was definitely a stoner. I didn’t know that then, but looking back, it’s very clear.

Kate Ruppert

Watch this. 

The ending is totally worth it.  Funny, sweet, poignant. 

Happy Hump Day! 

So WHY….WHY does poop keep showing up on my lawn. I know it’s not my neighbors. How do I know? Because I freakin watch them, okay??!! Cause I’m gonna solve this puzzle faster than Tom Hanks in Da Vinci Code and you don’t solve puzzles by sitting idly by!! You have to investigate.

Rebekah Tripp

The Art of B*tching- ‘Poop’ by Rebekah Tripp

The Art of B*tching: ‘Poop’ by Rebekah Tripp

That’s right, literally, sh*t.  I find that when I feel I’ve nothing to b*tch about, I need only look at the world directly around me and BOOM…right in the face—-a subject hits me…not poop.

We all know, as I will scream from every roof top, that I am a cat person.  There are some folks that are vehement cat people.  I’m fairly easy going in the whole cat/dog, ‘which is better’ war.  I love my cat, I think cats rock but I understand that it depends on your personality whether you’re a cat or dog person.  However, if you want to start a battle with me and argue that dogs are better than cats, it’s on like Donkey Kong, Motherf*cker.  Okay….let me wind myself down…back to topic. There are other folks who are dog people.  That’s cool.  However, being dog people, these folks must realize that there are certain responsibilities that come with taking care of an animal that is less self sufficient and less intelligent than a cat.

Let’s cut the poop, we’re talking potty time folks.  It’s not my fault that you have an animal that you need to take out of doors in order for it to do it’s pee/poop business.  You knew that was the case when you signed on to the deal.  Am I right? Yes. Always.  So, if that’s the case, if you knew the score and it was..you take your happy ass outside with your dog so it can take a crap, then you also must have surmised that taking a dog out to poop is like being in some historic outdoor forest…you take the poop with you.  No leave behinds.  I think, on the whole, there are a great many folks that understand this rule, and yes, it is a freakin rule.  So WHY….WHY does poop keep showing up on my lawn.  I know it’s not my neighbors.  How do I know?  Because I freakin watch them, okay??!!  Cause I’m gonna solve this puzzle faster than Tom Hanks in Da Vinci Code and you don’t solve puzzles by sitting idly by!!  You have to investigate.  This mystery is called, the Case of the Dumb Sh*t (this title has multiple meanings).

Stay tuned folks.  I will be back to report my findings.  In the meantime, if you’re a dog person, fine…so you have issues of co dependency..no big deal, you’re a caretaker…STILL….if you don’t pick up after your precious pup’s *ss droppings…and you have the misfortune of running into me…there will be problems.  Your dog didn’t make art for the world to see, you’re dog took a deuce…now take that plastic bag out of your pocket and go pick it up while it’s still warm. Thanks.

Read more of Rebekah’s sweet verbage here: http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/rebekahtripp

"Reason No. 3524886 I shop at Gelsons: When the carts are upgraded, the entire fleet is replaced, not just the honkey ones. It’s like a work of art".

-Kate Ruppert

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/kateruppert

The Art of B*tching- ‘Horns’ by Rebekah Tripp

Rebekah Tripp isn’t saying she is an expert at rules of the road…..but she is.  An expert.

Moments in which the use of a horn are acceptable:

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/rebekahtripp

Read it!  And spread to your friends!

I’MSOEXCITED!!!,it’llneverworkout,hemusthateme,I’mdepressed. It’s a feeling that washes over us in such an instantaneous flash that we never feel it happen until it’s too late. Until we’ve unconsciously pumped ourselves up with so much self-doubt that we sabotage whatever possible anything could ever possibly be happening between two people.

Kate Ruppert

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/kateruppert

Parenting Advice from Someone Who Didn’t Think She Would Have Kids- ‘Family Costuming’ by Alisha Gaddis

When you have kids- everything about Halloween changes.  Say goodbye to slutty pirate costumes and hello to family costuming!

And guess what- the latter is better than the former!!

Family costuming- a retrospective…

Read now!

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/alishagaddis

BEING MRS. JESSICA – THE WIFE LLIFE “HAPPY HALLOWEEN – UM, ARE YOU TINKERBELL?” by Jessica Glassberg

Jessica Glassberg knows that Halloween is “the time for America to slut-it-up”… but she’s always gone for funny over slutty… 

Check out her awesome costume!  (Trust us: it’s AMAZING!!!) 

http://saysomethingfunnybitch.tumblr.com/jessicaglassberg

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