Okay, now I’m not a big Valentine’s Day person, but there’s a lot of Data and requests being thrown my way. So, I submit not ONE, but TWO Valentine’s Day editions of Tuesday Meditations this year!
TUESDAY MEDIATION 1
Last night, I came home buzzed as fuck from a Tiki bar and found this:
He/She also wrote today’s meditation for me. Which is strange- considering I also have my OWN Meditation on the docket. So, you’ll get to read his and then you’ll get to read mine, the real stuff, the orig. Enjoy.
It’s Tuesday and what’s worse than Tuesday besides Monday? The fact that it is also Valentine’s Day. And I know if you’re reading this, (why do I say if? You are: we both know it), then you are chomping at the bit to vicariously express your Valentine’s day rage vicariously through my internet musings/rantings.
But guess what? No way, not today! You’re not going to ride my coattails to hilarious cathartic ranting. Because get this… I have a secret admirer! That’s right! So if you are a nay-sayer who hates the big “V Day Explosion” that’s because you don’t have a secret admirer and you don’t have a secret admirer because you’re not as fricking amazing as I am. (And I have the rite-aid rewards points to prove it. And note: rite-aid rewards points is testimony to my awesomeness that will hold up in court, bitches.) Want further proof? I’m writing this. And you’re reading it. Nuff said. (But I’ll continue writing because I am extremely generous towards you on this day of love.)
You: “But, but, but Rebecca, Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday made up by evil greeting card companies!”
Me: “No it’s not. And stop stuttering.” It’s a day to show someone you love your affections for them in a tangible way. And if you don’t know someone in your life who loves you enough to buy you red wrapped chocolates at the 99 cent store. Then I truly and deeply feel sorry for you. You need to be more awesome. You: “But, but, but How can I be more awesome?” Me: “I will teach you and seriously quit with the stuttering it is not as cute as you think.” Don’t worry, I’m here to help. You can start being awesome by reading more of my musings, seeing my shows, and liking my photo journalism expedition into Paris Hilton’s bathroom.
Maybe one day after reading enough of my thoughts you will be witty sharming adorable and hilarious enough to gain your own secret admirer. It’ll probably be a few years though, just to warn you.
What is a secret admirer though, really? It’s someone who is in love enough with you to leave on your doorstep a candy box, or roses, or a special gift (used books wrapped in red tissue paper). But not in enough love with you to admit to you who he is. (And probably not enough to admit it to himself either.)
All in all a secret admirer is pretty pathetic and passive aggressive. But then again, those have been the cornerstones of many of my previous relationships. So why not stick this one out. Beside, I like to hold on to the silver lining—the best thing about a secret admirer: the anonymity of it all. While I know it is most likely a fellow comic making his way in this world, heading down the same path I’m travelling. He leaves it unsigned, anonymous, he gives me the greatest gift of all: that I can pretend this gift came from Michael Stagliano.
And that’s what valentine’s day is all about: self-delusion.
Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!”
Not even a “You’re Welcome??!” Jesus. What kind of admirer is THIS?!!
Hope I live to see another day,