Say Something Funny...B*tch

When I was in Alaska, I met this dude named Randy who had a wolverine tattoo on his face. He was a fellow Wisconsinite, and pretty much my only real friend on the ranch that I worked on. Yeah, I worked on a ranch.  Why? Because I have tigerblood in my veins, just like Charlie Sheen.  Am I a little Jewish Charlie Sheen?  No. I’m not a winner, but I’m on a lot of drugs, usually, that work in conjunction with one another.   

Also,  I don’t call my porn stars goddesses, unless they show me discernable proof, like a superpower or some sort of documented miracle.   

Also, porn stars? Gross. Unless they’re free. Then, economical.  

But, I digress.  Here’s an ode to Randy, and the fine art of shitty facial tattoos.   

Know what I love best about this dude?  He could have had an impermanent, shitty soul patch comprised of hair.  Instead he chose a more gestural, permanent one.   

P.S., great piercings, you piece of shit!  

Hey zipperface! I hope this is fake, because any time you’re boring someone, that person will fantasize about zipping your eye sockets shut.   

If Golem,  Samantha Ronson and a white supremacist had a weird threeway and intermingled their genes in some weird celestial miscommunication that had a partially shaved head, lots of piercings and a tattoo of a stitched up cavity, I guess this would be the match.com photograph of that person.  

Facial tattoos aside, this guy is covered in moss!  

Reember that story about a girl who had lots of stars on her face and sued the tattoo company because she said she was passed out during it? I think this is that girl. And you know what? She IS a star. And when you shoot drunkenly for the moon and fall on a star…well…I’m not sure how the end of the expression goes.  You drink a lot of MGD lights? I’m bored.  Just gimme some tattoos!  ZZZZ.   

Rough day for you, guy?  Me too.  Wisconsin, my home state, is setting a f*cked up political pecedent, hundreds of thousands are in peril from the Tsunami in Japan, and 3 and a half men is in danger of cancellation.  God, was that a terrible joke? The world is a big, ball of flaming brimstone and turdblossoms.  I’m just here to make fun of a fraction of it.  
 

Also, here’s a picture of me in my new sweater.   

 You’re welcome,

Rebecca

Listen, folks. Lots of shit is going down in the news.  For one, Amber of “Teen Mom” fame got a monstrous tattoo of her little girl (who, for chrissakes, is a f*cking ward of the state and should stay that way). 

It looks like the hamburgler plus cake frosting roses.  And yes, my bad tattoo haiku spider senses are TINGLING in creative fervor.  

You can read more about THAT freaking trainwreck here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/17/teen-mom-amber-portwood-g_n_798391.html 

Much more importantly (but probably lost to the consciousness of most Americans), is the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell policy being ousted by a congressional vote of 65 to 31, which is FAR more f*cking inspiring than Amber Portwood’s cabbage patch brood being etched into her lumpy, mixed martial arts addled sidehump.   

You can read more about one step towards human decency HERE: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/us/politics/19cong.html 

But, y’all, I’m not just here to highfive gay paratroopers or bash 17 year old babyfactories.  I’m here to talk about the INTERNET.  Yes, the Internet, the place that brought you I CAT HAZ RINGWORMZ, Meatshake.com and porn.   

Well, it needs your help.   
 

According to Tim Karr of The Huffington Post, “Instead of a rule to protect Internet users’ freedom to choose, the Commission has opened the door for broadband payola - letting phone and cable companies charge steep tolls to favor the content and services of a select group of corporate partners, relegating everyone else to the cyber-equivalent of a winding dirt road.” 

Yay, it’s the privatization and the rescinding of a promise Obama made to THE UNITED STATES- a promise for NET NEUTRALITY.   

Fuck you, Obama.  Does big business really get one more sector of our world to manipulate and profit from?   

So, how can you help?   

Go here: http://act2.freepress.net/letter/two_million/ 

Write to your congressman!  Make your voice heard, for f*cks sake.  The Internet was designed as a mechanism of expression FOR THE PEOPLE, not for AT&T or the FCC.   

This Net Neutrality rule, one that is WEAK and DOESN’T PROTECT THE FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION ON THE INTERNET, is being voted on tomorrow at an FCC meeting. REMEMBER:  This rule falls fucking ridiculously short of earlier pledges by President Obama and the FCC Chairman to protect the freedoms of the internet.   

F*cking resist this bullshit.  You like the Internet!  So f*cking do I. 

You’re welcome,

Rebecca

After a long, satisfying tirade, I’m back on my shitty tattoo kick. And yeah, doing this is a lot less fun sober, but so be it.  People will- despite my sobriety- still be paying other people to poke ridiculous things into their skin.   

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNICORN: The unicorn is a mythological horse-thing that people cannot EAT UP MORE.  Old men, modern mythologists, 8 year old girls- what subset has the unicorn NOT covered?  According to Marianna Mayer, in her book The Unicorn and the Lake, “The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to have been conceived out of human fears. In even the earliest references he is fierce yet good, selfless yet solitary, but always mysteriously beautiful. He could be captured only by unfair means, and his single horn was said to neutralize poison.” 

Wow.  That’s fucking reason enough to get drunk off bud lights, crawl over to the nearest tattoo shack and etch that shit on your lower thigh. HEY-YO!  

And here has what this illustrious beast has yielded: 
 

1.  “Real Men Love Unicorns” 

What this should really say is real men jack off to unicorns jacking off, and then put that image permanently on their bodies.  However, I do love a good set of pronounced butt cheeks. 
 

2. Freedom-corn 

Because nothing says freedom like a unicorn, a beast that is completely unadulterated by the chains of understanding, reality or taste.   
 

3. Fuck-corn 

What’s better than a plain old unicorn? A unicorn fucking a whale, YOU FUCKING IDOT.   

4. Pimp-corn 

I’m assuming the person who chose this sophisticated design did some time and is also borderline retarded. Does it mean that a unicorn hustles every day, or that it is saddened when hustling doesn’t continue to commence? Or, does the person who has this tattoo want to give his pet unicorn all the things he didn’t have in life?  

5. Holy fuck what the fuck is this 

DO NOT LOOK THIS TATTOO IN THE EYE. YOU MAY GET RAPED.   

Holy fuck. This unicorn has the torso of a fat female body builder.  I wonder if this person told their local tattoo artist that they want a unicorn tattoo to marry all the important parts of their life: bodybuilding, tits, princessplay, love of one’s mother, modern dentistry, pizza and slutty-sexy gazes.   

6. Shitty Tribal-corn 

It’s like, hey, not only do I like shitty tribal shit, but I also like other trite shit. Like, unicorns. Wanna fuck me in this Target bathroom stall now? * 

*note Target sign 

7.  White Power-corn 

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT FUCKING LEAST,  this piece of shit tattoo.  I want to think that it’s a joke because it’s on his asscheek, but then all that Nazi white power bullshit is never a joke, right? Or if it is, it’s a joke you fucking live with for the rest of your life like the piece of shit you are.   

So you see? Unicorns mean so much more than you might have thought.  
 

Sieg Heil,  

Rebecca.  

Editor’s note!  Tumblr refused to load these images today.  (The system’s fault, not the Tumblr editor’s.  Thus, I will not be editing the curse words out of this article.  Take that Universe!