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” Tuesday Meditation: Shitty Tattoos Volume 2: UNICORNS ” Rebecca Leib

After a long, satisfying tirade, I’m back on my shitty tattoo kick. And yeah, doing this is a lot less fun sober, but so be it.  People will- despite my sobriety- still be paying other people to poke ridiculous things into their skin.   

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNICORN: The unicorn is a mythological horse-thing that people cannot EAT UP MORE.  Old men, modern mythologists, 8 year old girls- what subset has the unicorn NOT covered?  According to Marianna Mayer, in her book The Unicorn and the Lake, “The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to have been conceived out of human fears. In even the earliest references he is fierce yet good, selfless yet solitary, but always mysteriously beautiful. He could be captured only by unfair means, and his single horn was said to neutralize poison.” 

Wow.  That’s fucking reason enough to get drunk off bud lights, crawl over to the nearest tattoo shack and etch that shit on your lower thigh. HEY-YO!  

And here has what this illustrious beast has yielded: 
 

1.  “Real Men Love Unicorns” 

 

What this should really say is real men jack off to unicorns jacking off, and then put that image permanently on their bodies.  However, I do love a good set of pronounced butt cheeks. 
 

2. Freedom-corn 

Because nothing says freedom like a unicorn, a beast that is completely unadulterated by the chains of understanding, reality or taste.   
 

3. Fuck-corn 

What’s better than a plain old unicorn? A unicorn fucking a whale, YOU FUCKING IDOT.   

4. Pimp-corn 

I’m assuming the person who chose this sophisticated design did some time and is also borderline retarded. Does it mean that a unicorn hustles every day, or that it is saddened when hustling doesn’t continue to commence? Or, does the person who has this tattoo want to give his pet unicorn all the things he didn’t have in life?  

5. Holy fuck what the fuck is this 

DO NOT LOOK THIS TATTOO IN THE EYE. YOU MAY GET RAPED.   

Holy fuck. This unicorn has the torso of a fat female body builder.  I wonder if this person told their local tattoo artist that they want a unicorn tattoo to marry all the important parts of their life: bodybuilding, tits, princessplay, love of one’s mother, modern dentistry, pizza and slutty-sexy gazes.   

6. Shitty Tribal-corn 

It’s like, hey, not only do I like shitty tribal shit, but I also like other trite shit. Like, unicorns. Wanna fuck me in this Target bathroom stall now? * 

*note Target sign 

7.  White Power-corn 

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT FUCKING LEAST,  this piece of shit tattoo.  I want to think that it’s a joke because it’s on his asscheek, but then all that Nazi white power bullshit is never a joke, right? Or if it is, it’s a joke you fucking live with for the rest of your life like the piece of shit you are.   

So you see? Unicorns mean so much more than you might have thought.  
 

Sieg Heil,  

Rebecca.  

Editor’s note!  Tumblr refused to load these images today.  (The system’s fault, not the Tumblr editor’s.  Thus, I will not be editing the curse words out of this article.  Take that Universe! 

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